It may be surprising for you to learn this – but in couple counselling (following a systemic model of therapy) the therapist’s primary “patient” is not the two individuals coming into therapy. The patient is actually the couple’s relationship.
But how does a systemic couple counsellor talk to a relationship?
Whilst offering therapeutic interventions to an individual may seem straightforward (“how do you feel about that?”) such an intervention (called an open – or linear – question) fails to focus on the relationship – it focuses on an individual.
If a couple’s relationship cannot be asked “how do you feel about that”, how do we ask questions of a relationship?
Connections made within a Relationship.
When working with a couple (or a family) in a systemic model of therapy, systemic therapists operate with the hypothesis that each member of the family is connected with everyone else in the relationship “system”. Thus, Person A‘s behaviour affects Person B. In turn, Person B‘s response to the A‘s affect can go on to affect others in the system (and even affect Person A back in return). This is known as a Circular Effect and is distinct from a linear or a casual effect.
Example of a Couple System.
- Person “A” acts out behaviour “z”.
- Person “B” responds with behaviour “y”.
- “A” misunderstands “y” and thinks he has just experienced behaviour “x”. He already has a response for “x”, which is behaviour “w”.
- B is hurt – she has just seen behaviour “w” in response to her behaviour “y”, and she think’s that’s so totally unnecessary! She retaliates with behaviour “v”.
- A is now aghast at behaviour “v” and gets out the old response “u”.
…and so on. Can you see that this system is escalating into conflict (such as an argument)?
The systemic couple counsellor perturbs (or “unbalances”) the behaviour to help the couple learn about their response cycles, to inquire about what the system is meant to be achieving, to support the couple figuring out where the system could be altered, and to learn to watch out for triggers that they can choose to alter in situ, etc…
As a systemic couple counsellor, the original Milan Associates field of family therapy proposed that for a relationship to exist between people there has to be differences between the individuals in that relationship. Differences – not similarities. In order to assist a couple in couple counselling I help the couple learn what differences exist in their relationship. Differences provide the couple and I information about the relationship and the connections and distinctions within it. To learn about a relationship’s differences, and how the relationship ‘system’ works, we need a form of questioning that allows us to focus on the relationship, i.e. on the whole system rather than the individuals that make up the relationship; circular questionining allows us to do this. Initially, the therapist models the process of asking about differences (in addition to other systemic methods such as hypothesising, creative thinking, paradoxical thinking & perturbation), and by doing so invites the couple to take up this process. Circular questions are unfamiliar to many – and a couple being asked a circular question may initially struggle, but later enjoy the challenge and to learning that such questions bring out of the relationship.
Example Questions: Individual versus Relationship.
“How do you become depressed?”
When working in individual counselling, we ask questions of the individual.
This is an open question.
“When A is depressed, what does B do in response to this?”
When working with a couple, we are focussed on the relationship.
This is a circular question.
- Person B joins in with A’s depression, or
- Person B may do something to avoid A’s depression, or
- something else;
… we will learn about the system between Person A and B when depression occurs.
Relationship Counselling: “Information is a Difference”.
Selvini et al (1980) put forth systems ideas from Gregory Bateson (1972) – originally from computer systems theories – and reframed the concepts of computer systems into human family systems: we try to gain information because “information is difference”, and “difference is a relationship” (cited by Julia Houston, Sarah Galloway, 2008, Google Books). In systemic couple counselling, we are attempting to out draw out information from the relationship (the “system”) so that the couple can learn new things about what is happening. As the responses to circular questions can be used by the therapist to form further circular question, lots of new things (new differences) can be learned about the system. For example: when addressing a couple who believe that they are unable to stop arguing, one approach I may take is to open with:-
My initial purpose is to begin perturbing the couple’s firmly held concept (“we cannot stop arguing”) by giving the couple something new to think about. I am inviting the couple to learn something new about their system – and it is likely that this is the first time a couple have been asked a question like this. Plenty of conversation can ensure from this and I usually find that a number of common responses (any of which can be responded with further circular-type enquiries) begin:-
|Therapist’s response may be: “…and when he/she notices this, what do they do?” (and later) “…and what is your response to that behaviour?”|
|Therapist’s response may be: “…that’s interesting isn’t it? You’re disagreeing on who is noticing the argument beginning” (soliciting further discussion).|
|Therapist’s response may be: “…well that’s curious, isn’t it? What do you make of that?” (soliciting further discussion from the couple).|
Examples of Circular-style questions.
Circular questioning styles that try to bring out differences include:-
- Across Time: “How might this problem change in the near future … medium future … long term future?“
- Between People: “Who, between the two of you, most believes that John (the husband) is mostly responsible for these arguments?“
- Aspects of a person: “When you are unhappy with what’s happening in this relationship, which part is more likely to take over: your rational side, or your emotional side?“
- Between Situations: “Is this relationship happier at home …or on holiday …or elsewhere?”
The Purpose of Circular Questioning.
The purpose of systemic couple therapy is to invite the couple to learn of the connections between their behaviour. Asking about how the relationship system currently operates, how it operated in the past, and how it might operate in the future) gives us information about differences. From this information the couple learns how their relationship system really works – challenging their belief about how it works – thus giving them more options for change. It can give the couple-who-is-waiting-for-their-partner-to-change something to think about their own part in the relationship… that both partners are involved in relationship-conflicts (the approach can challenge the position of “it’s all his/her fault”). When we’re given the power to change ourselves we’re more likely to make a change than to be waiting for our partner to change on our behalf. Circular questioning is at the core of systemic therapy and the systemic approach can be used within different therapeutic approaches (psychodynamic, CBT, Gestalt etc). Portions referenced from “Circular Questioning: An Introductory Guide” A.N.Z.J. Family Therapy. 1997, Vol. 18, No. 2, pp 109-114
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